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On the crisp edge of this watercolor pear a boundary holds the form. On the other side there is a lost edge that allows the paint to wander out of the lines and back in again. My mind likes the hard edge because it’s safe, familiar, well defined. There’s no chaos in the hard edge, neither any mystery. There isn’t any question. It is a pear.

But my heart likes the lost edge because it has a chance to run free, get lost, flow in and out within the mess of movement. The song Slow Pony Home describes a relationship where trust was lost but then found. It describes my relationship with myself and art. I’m on the Slow Pony on my way home to myself and my creativity.  And the trust is the time it takes to know who I am in the world, that I’m enough and what I have to give. So much of my life has been spent not recognizing myself, living in a sense beside myself.  Hidden behind what others thought I should be. So often I gave myself away to others as though I could trust someone to show me the way into myself.  It turned out not to be true.

The Slow Pony’s name is Truth. When you don’t trust yourself this is a very slow process to get your truth, but one you can learn by going through each experience oriented toward yourself, with a focus to know yourself. Myopic thinking is not the goal. And there’s the danger of Narcissism. It’s a give and take, flowing relationship. It’s necessary for one to care for themselves in order to care for others in the long term view of doing good in the world.

Again and again I come up against the hard edge of frustration when I try to express myself creatively. This frustration throws me into self doubt and self doubt spins me around until I get so dizzy. I fall down.

I get up. And write this blog post for the girl on the Slow Pony home to herself. I send it out, to you.